A Merchant and A Gentleman
by Sylarfan
Summary: When Kili befriends a woman Dwalin had his sights on, Dwalin and Bofur follow them and overhear quite an interesting scenario. Rated M for suggestive situations and language.


**A Merchant and a Gentleman**

The barmaid approached the table for the fifth time that afternoon, bringing over seven more tankards of ale. There were many in their merry little party, so many in fact that they had to be seated at separate tables much to their dislike. As much as Thorin had wanted to continue on, Gandalf had suggested to no avail that the company needed a chance to rest and collect their strength. Everyone found this to be a welcoming idea, save for Thorin. Dwarves (and hobbits for that matter) had a tendency to over indulge which Thorin worried would cause trivial problems they didn't need. She handed out the large mugs one by one to Dwalin, Balin, Fili, Kili, Bofur, Bombur and Bilbo, who were all drunk and rambunctious. Dwalin reached a large, bulky hand around and grabbed a handful of the barmaid's rump-cheek. She jerked herself up-right and slapped his hand away. He laughed a roaring boisterous laugh, the others joined in jovially. Only Bilbo remained quiet.

"I've had enough of your staring and groping, little man." She said as she walked away, rightfully angry. The comment only evoked more laughter. Bilbo dropped his eyes to his mug, feeling slightly sorry for the human woman. Kili, who was sitting next to him, noticed the peevish expression on Bilbo's face and his own smile fell. He too had felt ashamed of Dwalin's behavior.

"Maid!" Dwalin shouted. "Bring us some salted beef and bread!" The others murmured in agreement. He held up his tankard and Balin smashed his against his bothers and they each took a healthy pull leaving froth behind on the hair on their faces.

The rest of the dwarves were at a separate table on the other side of the inn's pub, oblivious to the others' antics. Gandalf and Thorin sat together at a small round table near Dwalin's group. Thorin watched with increasing irritation.

The young woman brought over a wooden board with strips of beef and a large loaf of bread. She sat the board down and the sound of Dwalin's hand cracking over her rear echoed around the table. She yelped in surprise. The others stopped in mid-reach of the snack looking on in concern, knowing he truly went too far.

"Look here, little man. I'm not going to put up…." But before she could say another word he grabbed her arm and yanked the tiny woman down into his lap. She struggled to free herself but he held her fast. Bringing his hairy mouth close to her ear he said, "Call me _little man_ again and I'll drag you up those stairs, strip you of your clothes and show you just how _little_ I am not."

"Dwalin, come now. That is unjust!" Balin chastised.

Kili and Fili tried to reason with him. "Let the lass go…." "Calm down…."

"She disrespected me." He growled in defense.

"As you did her." Bilbo piped in.

Dwalin narrowed his eyes at Bilbo who shrugged and said, "You've treated her terribly all afternoon. That is not how you acquire respect."

Just then, Thorin slapped his monstrous palm down onto the table creating a thunderous sound while rattling the mugs and table wear. Almost everyone jumped at the disruption. "Unhand her…..now." Thorin's glare suggested Dwalin dare not disobey. He let her escape. "This is not a brothel." Thorin continued, "Nor is this the purpose of our stay. You will behave as so…" he gazed around the table at the rest of them," …all of you…or I will drag you to the stables to sleep with the pigs that you are."

The barmaid tried to avoid Thorin's intimidating presence and quickly gathered empty mugs and slipped away unnoticed. The room seemed to pick up in volume once again as the tension subsided. Thorin left their table and rejoined Gandalf, confident he had rectified the situation.

"Someone should see if she's alright." Bilbo suggested. No one made an attempt to volunteer. "I'll go then." Bilbo went to stand up but a large dwarven hand clasped his shoulder. "Sit. It is not your worry." Kili said to him. "I'll go." He patted Bilbo's shoulder a bit harder then he probably meant to.

"Good. It's the gentlemanly thing to do." Bilbo told him.

* * *

><p>The human woman noticed Kili approaching the bar. Still shaken from the experience she was not pleased with his bold appearance. He sat down. "What do you want?" She huffed.<p>

"I just wanted to apologize for my friend over there." He tipped his head in Dwalin's direction. "We have traveled far with no rest and we are weary."

"I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, but it gives him no right to treat me like a common whore."

"No, no it does not." He agreed. "But, he is lonely and full of ale and poor judgment. Surely you can understand the affects of that unfortunate combination." He smiled charmingly.

"I do." She said, returning the smile. "He's not the first vile man I've had to fend off and he surely won't be the last." She handed him a fresh mug of ale noticing he had left is at the table. "So….where are you traveling to?"

Kili looked taken off guard by the question. "We are merchants looking for trade."

"Really?" She wasn't convinced by his obvious lie. "What do you trade?"

While Kili tried to charm his way through his flimsy story, Dwalin caught sight of him at the bar. "What is he doing? She was my beerwench?"

Bilbo rolled his eyes at the drunken lug. "He is trying to smooth things over with kind words and a bit of tact. Something you should have a lesson in."

"I don't understand what the appeal is with the lass." Balin commented. "She is much too thin and her bosom is as small as apples. Seems to me she'd snap like twig in no time. Not to mention she has no hair on her chin." He shook his head and took a pull from his tankard. "Give me a good, sturdy dwarven women any day."

Bofur sent a glance over in her direction. "I think she's lovely. Mind you, I love our woman as much as you, Balin." He explained, "But I like all women if you want the truth."

Balin grunted in disagreement. Bilbo and Fili held up their mugs to Bofur. "Well said, my friend." Clearly they felt the same.

"What do you think, Bombur?" Bofur asked his brother.

"What? Oh, yes. The beef was a bit dry and the bread a little stale but good all the same." He said taking another bite of bread.

"You…Bilbo. Go see what they are up to." Dawlin ordered.

"Me? You want me to eavesdrop?"

"Yes. Then come back and tell me what they said."

"I don't…"

"I'll do it!" Fili offered.

"No, I want it to go unnoticed. Our burglar would do better job of it." He scowled at Bilbo.

"Alright." He agreed warily.

* * *

><p>The barmaid was petite, standing only at about five feet, though she was still a few inches taller than the tallest dwarf. She was slender and a bit small in the chest with long golden hair that fell in waves down her back. Her eyes were a striking blue and her skin was fair with a dash of freckles across her nose and cheeks.<p>

"My brothers do it all the time. But they tell me it is not proper behavior for a young maiden." She told Kili.

"Now that is nonsense." He commented.

"They say I wouldn't enjoy it."

"More nonsense. It can be very enjoyable if done properly."

"Properly? Isn't there only one way to do it?"

"No, of course not. There are many ways. It just depends on which technique you like best. There is one in particular that is easiest."

"Could you show me?"

Kili stopped mid-sip and coughed. "Me? Show you?"

"Yes. You sound as if you are experienced in the matter. Can you teach me?"

"But your brothers….."

"What of them?"

"Well…you mentioned they don't much like dwarves and…I'm a dwarf."

"Are you now?" She said with sarcasm. Dwarves (and hobbits) were no strangers to the inn, she had met many, but she had never met one so handsome. She didn't know much about them but she gathered his softer features and lack of beard were because of his youth. She assumed as he aged he would begin to resemble his kin more distinctly.

"If they were to see us together….well, they might…."

"Do nothing. It is none of their concern what I do. Besides, they are miles and miles from here and will not return until spring."

He grinned. "Well, then I would be happy to show you."

"Wonderful!" She slipped out from behind the bar, grabbed his hand and they disappeared through the door near the rear of the inn.

* * *

><p>The others were merrily chatting on when Balin asked, "Where is your brother running off to, Fili?"<p>

He looked over his shoulder and saw him vanish out the back with the golden haired human. "Maybe to get lucky." He said unconcerned.

"That would be lucky, indeed." Bofur quipped.

Bilbo returned to the table. "Well?" Dwalin demanded.

"It sounds as if…as if they…they went off to…" He stumbled, unable to find tactful words for the situation.

Fili laughed. "Told you. He's always been lucky with the ladies."

Dwalin gritted his teeth. "Kili, that filthy crook. He stole her right out from under me."

"Forgive me if I'm wrong…" Bofur slurred, "…but doesn't something have to actually be yours before it can be stolen?"

"Bofur is right. She is not your wife and…" Added Bilbo. "…I don't think she fancied you."

Dwalin growled and grabbed Bofur by the arm and pulled him up, spilling the ale he was about to take an eager sip of. "What'd you do that for?" He asked annoyed.

"We're going to follow him."

Bofur appeared confused. "Follow…what for?"

"So I can beat the betrayal out of him."

"Let the lad be." Balin pleaded.

"What about Thorin?" Bilbo reminded him. "What if he sees you leaving, what are you going to say?"

"It looks to me Thorin is occupied."

Thorin was in conversation with Gandalf and another human at the table. His back was turned on them and his bellowing laugh could be heard over most of the crowd.

"Come on." Dwalin and Bofur were out the door.

* * *

><p>The two Dwarves made their way through the thick foliage of the wood. Autumn had just arrived and though the leaves had started to turn not many had yet made their descent to the ground. They followed Kili's tracks his boots had made in the earth until they came near the edge of a lake. Ahead of them on their right stood what they could only assume was a supply shack probably used to store boating, fishing and other various hunting supplies. They heard an excited squeal from a woman. They both turned to look in the direction it came from. The ground sloped down at a rather sharp angle and there were a few large boulders wedge into the gravely earth there. They ducked behind them so not to be discovered. Dwalin held his finger up to his lips instructing Bofur to keep quiet and listen. Bofur nodded in acknowledgment, the flaps of his hat bouncing gleefully. Dwalin stood to try to peer over the top of the boulder but he just wasn't tall enough. He scooted his way to the side to try to see around instead. A few birds took flight while squawking their disapproval at Dwalin's disturbance.<p>

"What was that?" The barmaid asked.

"It's nothing." Kili assured her.

"But I thought I heard something moving around over there by those rocks…."

"It was just a few birds flying off, nothing to worry about."

Dwalin ducked back around, worried they would be found. They sat with their backs against the rocks, listening.

"Now, did you do as I told you?" Kili asked.

"Yes, do you approve?" She asked timidly.

"Oh yes, it looks very good." Kili sounded pleased. "Let me just…"

"NO! You'll ruin it!"

"I won't. I'll be gentle….I have done this before, you know."

Dawlin and Bofur looked at each other mischievously. They tried again to scoot around the boulders to try to peep. They couldn't see Kili or the human woman but they saw Kili's boots, tunic and britches along with her frock thrown carelessly on the ground. They could see movement through the rushes. "They must be on the shore." Dawlin whispered. As he attempted to inch his way down his heavy foot knocked loose some pebbles that went bouncing and rolling down the slope. They both flew back around the boulders, pressing their backs up against them once more.

"Did you hear that? Are you sure there is nothing there?" She asked again.

"We are in the wood. There are many things here, but nothing that concerns us." Kili said before getting back to business. "Now, let me just give it a test…."

"Does it meet your approval?"

"Yes, yes. It's snug but not too tight….are you sure you have never done this before?"

"No, never, it's my first time."

Bofur and Dawlin glanced at each other again. "That sly dog…." Bofur said. Dawlin yanked off his hat and hit him over the head with it. "Ow! That was uncalled for….."

"That should be me down there." Dawlin reminded him.

Bofur rolled his eyes and patted his hat back on his head. They listened on.

"I want to go deeper…"

"NO!" She objected.

"Trust me, it will be better…"

"But it is so uncomfortable already…."

"I know it's uncomfortable at first, it always is, but you'll adjust." Kili pleaded.

"Well…alright but let's take it slow."

"Are you sure? It might be better to just plunge right in…"

"NO! Please, no plunging."

"Alright, slow then."

Bofur tugged on Dawlin's leather tunic. "Let's go. This isn't right, spying and sneaking about like a couple of peeping Tom's."

Dawlin shoved him off. "He betrayed me…it was obvious I had her in my sights and now he's having his way with her instead of me."

"You had no chance with her, Dawlin. You must know that. You're just a drunken fool. You need to go back and sleep this off."

Dawlin growled. "You go then!"

Bofur just sighed and stayed put. There was silence for a minute and then they heard the woman gasp.

"There, is that better?" Kili asked her tenderly.

"Yes, much better. It actually feels nice."

"I told you….Oooh, did you feel that?"

"Yes!"

They could hear vigorous movement in the water followed by grunts and mewls.

"Oh, my! I haven't got a good look at it yet, but I can tell it's huge!" She panted excitedly.

"Yes, believe me, you are right about that." Kili sounded out of breath.

Dawlin, now disgusted with Kili's arrogance, jumped out from behind the rocks determined to stop the act before it ended. Drunk and clumsy he landed with a heavy thud and slipped on the gravel, tumbling to the edge of the rushes. Bofur followed with less trouble.

"Almost there! Hold on! We've got it!" They heard Kili shout between huffs.

Dawlin hauled himself up and burst through the brush. "You arrogant, back stabbing, miserable little….."

He found Kili and the barmaid standing in the water (hip deep to Kili, mid-thigh to her) with their small clothes on, struggling with a long pool that was bowed by the force of some strong fish that was likely at the end its line. They both turned in surprise to see Dawlin there. The creature lurched on the line and both of them were pulled off balance falling into the water, soaking them completely. They came up gasping from the chilly plunge over their heads. "What are you doing here?" Kili shouted.

"What am I doing here? What are YOU doing here?" Dawlin retorted.

"I'm teaching her to fish properly, with a line and pole. And you made us lose what was quite possibly the best catch of my life!" Kili glanced at the young woman. "Our lives." He tacked on.

Bofur appeared from the clearing on the left. "Teaching her to fish? Why?" Dawlin asked.

"Because she asked me."

"Because she asked you?"

"Yes, I thought it was the gentlemanly thing to do." Kili stated with dignity. He glanced around at both Bofur and Dwalin with understanding. "What did you think we were doing?"

"Never mind." Dwalin said as he turned around, feeling ashamed of his foolishness. "Come on." He motioned to Bofur.

"Sorry about your pole. Carry on." Bofur said to the pair in the lake. "I told you not to follow them." He mumbled to the buffoon beside him.

Dawlin pushed him into a large shrub. "Shut up."

* * *

><p>The two of them stood staring at each other soaking wet in the water. He had on a linen under shirt with three quartered sleeves and an untied V-neck opening that clung to his torso exquisitely. He was short and had a stocky build as did most dwarves but he was surprisingly fit and more muscled then she would have imagined. Though he was hairier then she normally liked.<p>

She was in her shift, also made of linen, though thinner than his ware. It was long sleeved, low cut, snug in the ribs and waste and a-lined out at the hips. It was long so the material floated on top of water behind her. Her breasts were small but amble and her nipples were completely visible through the wet material. His gaze had unintentionally fallen onto them. It did not go unnoticed by her. She smiled at the bewitching power they seemed have over him. "Thank you for the lesson. You were right, I did enjoy it." She said grinning.

His attention was torn away from her chest. "Oh, yes. Well, I'm glad I could be of service. Too bad we lost our prized fish." He said gazing out over the water with disappointment.

"And all this time I thought dwarves were afraid of the water."

"Why would you think that?"

"It's just something my brothers always told me, among other things."

"Well, there is much you don't know about dwarves then." He said with grin.

"I can see that." She said with a playful twinkle in her eyes.

"So, what now? Shall we go back?" He asked folding his arms across his broad chest feeling the chill from the autumn air. It had been unseasonably warm but being in the water made it quite chilly.

"You could light us a fire so we can get out of these wet clothes and warm ourselves." She said shivering slightly from the cool water.

He stood puzzling for a moment. "Won't we be naked then?" Surely he misunderstood.

"Yes, we would. Naked as the day we were born." Her lips curled into a devilish smile.

Needless to say Kili wasted no time lighting her fire (in more ways than one). After all, she did ask him and it was the gentlemanly thing to do.


End file.
